The Alternate Account
by wafagan
Summary: After the events of 'The Bad Beginning', Justice Strauss recruits a young man to secretly watch over the Baudelaires. Will the orphans fare better with the hand of Thomas Doubting guiding them?


If you are reading this account of my life, then by all means continue. This is a story that must be told to the public, as a warning against further acts of evil and terror such as the ones that are described within these pages. This is the account of my experiences with the Baudelaire Orphans, and the perilous obstacles I faced in my attempt to rescue them from the fires of a nefarious organization. It is a story of death, despair, snakes, leeches, hypnotism, physical education, high fashion, hot-air balloons, talking radios, lions, lox, lethal mushrooms, a sugar bowl, and a mysterious island. The following is not for the faint of heart, but the truth must be heard.

Here is where my story begins.

* * *

"Are you familiar with the Baudelaire family?"

I glanced up at Justice Strauss in surprise. I was seated in her library in a comfortable reading chair, perusing a book on disguises that I'd found on a nearby end table. The judge had been silent for ages, and her sudden query had jolted me out of my studies. I furrowed my brow in recognition. "The name rings a bell. Husband and wife, weren't they? Killed in a fire about a month ago?"

The judge nodded and picked up a scrap of paper from her desk. Its normally clean surface was covered in newspaper clippings and police reports, along with dozens of folders and accordion files full of everything from birth certificates to laundry receipts. "Yes, They left three young children, orphans, the poor dears."

I shook my head sadly. "I knew the father, Bertrand, well. A generous man. Pillar of the community and so forth. I recall meeting Beatrice a few times. Why do you mention them?"

"After their death, their executor, a lawyer named Poe, sent them to live with a distant relative, following the parents instructions that they be raised in 'the most convenient way possible'. Their relative was a man by the name of Olaf."

"I've heard of the man," I said, frowning. "Isn't he a nobleman?"

"He claims to be a Count. He also claims to be an actor, but he is a common criminal. He lived next door to me in that ghastly old manor."

I glanced out the French doors of the library across her yard, where in the distance I could make out the cupola of a large Gothic mansion at the end of her street. There was a window in the top of the cupola that was in the shape of an eyeball. It seemed to stare down at me from its hight perch, like an eagle eying its supper. I shuddered involuntarily. "I thought that place was abandoned."

"I befriended the children during their stay with him. They were such darlings. Clever, polite, and always grateful. It is a pity they were forced to go through such a terrible ordeal."

"Losing one's parents is quite a distressing experience," I said, recalling my own parent's death in a mysterious fire when I was in my youth. I pushed the memory from my head.

"Not only that, Thomas. That wretched Olaf abused them. He forced them to sleep in the attic and perform all of his chores. Imagine treating children like slaves! And then he had the nerve to attempt to steal their fortune out from under them."

"What?" I asked, sitting upright.

"He tried to marry the oldest one, the girl Violet. Disguised the wedding ceremony as one of his plays." The judge stopped and wiped back a tear. "He even offered me a part in the play so that I could marry them legally!"

"Can he do that?"

"He almost did!" Strauss said, reaching into a robe pocket for a handkerchief. "As soon as he was discovered, he fled into the night."

"Fortunately he was foiled in his dastardly attempt."

Strauss shook her head. "I fear that he will try again." She gestured to the papers on her desk. "I've dug up everything I could find on Olaf, and he is a dangerous criminal. Murder, arson, theft, jaywalking. He's the devil incarnate! I tried to protect the children by offering to adopt them, but the banker refused. Now he has sent them off to another complete stranger, and I fear for their lives!"

I sat back in the chair and folded my arms. "So what do you propose to do?"

"The police have failed to apprehend this Count Olaf and his gang. I want the children to be protected at any cost, but it is against my power to do so!"

"So you've called me in to help you," I said, smiling.

"Oh, Thomas. I have to keep them safe. You always were so valiant back when you worked for the firm."

I chuckled. "I fail to see how I can help these children. As you said, we are not legally able to care for them."

"But we can still help them," the old judge said. She sighed and wiped her eyes again with her handkerchief. "These children need a guardian, one who can guide them through dark times."

"An angel," I said.

"If you say so, yes." She looked through her papers until she found a large manilla envelope marked 'Herpetology'. She handed it to me. "Enclosed is the location of the Baudelaire's new guardian. The man studies snakes, Thomas! Imagine what could happen to them!"

I looked at the folder and shook my head. "I can see that these children mean a great deal to you. Therefore, I will do what I can to protect them."

She clasped my hands in hers and smiled. She looked more tired than I'd ever seen her before. I realized how old she had gotten. "Thank you, Thomas. You're a good man." She grabbed several more folders and stacked them in my arms. "These are dossiers on all three children. There's Violet, the oldest. Such a creative girl! And Klaus, a regular scholar, he is. Mustn't forget dear Sunny. What lovely teeth that child has! Good luck, Thomas. Keep them safe."

* * *

I left the house feeling decidedly fatigued, as though I were carrying with me a large and cumbersome weight. Whether it was the newfound responsibility to care for these three strange children or the armful of papers and photographs cradled in my arms, or perhaps a combination of the two, I was uncertain. All I knew was that I had made a promise to keep, which gave me enough strength to heft my haul into the trunk of my car and drive off, towards the snake farm on Lousy Lane.


End file.
